Who Shot Jaclyn Pierrot? Part I: Chasing Shatner

Who Shot Jaclyn Pierrot?

Part I:
Chasing Shatner

Jaclyn wakes up and immediately knows she is not alone. There's a few things out of place: first, it is more cool than she can remember, and secondly the door to the room was slightly open. Those two things could explained: Jacky liked to drink and would often black off.

What really clues her is in though is that there is a large, shadowy human form standing over her.

'Hans?' she wonders to herself, hopefully.

Jaclyn hears a click in the dark she would recognize anywhere and an unfamiliar male voice fills the room.

'Say goodnight clown.'

The silence of the room is shattered and a crash of light fills the room.


Earlier that day...
Grab 'n Go Convenience
Just South of Washington, DC

The bubble pops loudly.

She gathers the gum back into a cheek and chews absently. Her cherry red lipstick perfectly matches her nails of her hand which she uses to flip through a copy of People™️ magazine. Jessica has worked at the gas station since she got out of high school. Mostly it was impatient travelers or locals buying adult beverages or drug paraphernalia.

Blunt wraps, alcohol, and boredom.

She snaps off another quick bubble as a large man in camouflage cargo pants and a black hoodie pushes his way through the door, the bell barely jingles as he slides past. Her eyes don't even look up, otherwise she may have caught a glimpse of the ski mask pulled over his head and the baseball bat that he grips in his fist.

He moves swiftly towards the register and without missing a beat, swings the weapon and hits a Five Hour Energy™️ display well over the fences. Jessica looks up startled.

'Empty the register, kid,' the man growls matter of factly, another crack of the bat sending the lighter stand flying. She scrambles to try to get the register open while nervously looking up the giant of a man.

Suddenly, the bell of the store jingles much more loudly as the door of the convenience store swings wide open and a pair of black Timberland™️ boots step through.

'I just gotta get something to drink! You need anything?' Jaclyn shouts over her shoulder.


'Dig around in the fucking dumpster for that,' she yells back.  

,' is heard through the door as it closes behind her.

'One gallon on pump four, friend,' squeals Jaclyn as she bounces up to the register, completely ignoring the mess. The large, stunned man recovers for his surprise and reaches out with the tip of the bat to push Jacky in the shoulder.

'Hey get out of here. What the hell?'

Jaclyn looks up and he swings the bat again, this time exploding a display only inches from Jaclyn’s who stands motionless for a moment. Jaclyn blinks and smiles wide.

'I said get the hell out of here!'

She turns once more to Jessica, ignoring the large and furious man in camo pants.

'He's cute,' she winks in Jessica's direction, 'friend of yours?'

Jessica shakes her head and Jaclyn turns back to him, her eyelashes fluttering defiantly.

'What the hell do you think you are, some sort of clown hero?'

'Me?' Jaclyn’s honking laughter fills the air, a hand landing on his shoulder 'Oh stop! I'm the bad guy these days.'

'Ye? Well, call me the Batman then' he shrugs her hand off him raises the bat once again, this time his eyes narrowing on Jaclyn.

She beams brightly back at him.

'Pleased to meet ya, Batman,' her voice is filled with glee she pulls out her magnum from the back of her waistband and aims the gun at his face. He drops the bat from his hand, raising then both up in surrender.

'Guess that means I'm Robin.'

Jaclyn erupts with her loud trademark laughter once again as she reaches her free hand out to honks his nose before swiftly driving a foot into his side ribs. Like a bat through a convenient store display, he crashes to the ground. Jaclyn nimbly pulls a wallet from his back pocket with her free hand, dropping it on the counter before working a wad bills free, sliding them across towards Jessica. She spins on her heel to head back to the door, pulling a Big Gulp™️ cup off the counter.

'One gallon on pump four and the Big Gulp™️, please' she repeats cheerily to the terrified attendant.

'I'll fucking kill you...' he growls from the ground as he pulls himself onto one knee, his hand feeling around for the weapon. She turns slightly, her painted jesters grin showing over her shoulder.

'You can try!' she giggles and a grin creases her lips. Suddenly, she swings around and slams the weight of the pistol hard against his skull and he slumps limp back down to the ground.


Between Baltimore And Virginia Beach
Somewhere along Interstate 640

The large black Tahoe™️ barrels down Interstate 640 towards Virginia Beach. Macho sits in the front seat fiddling with the radio as Violet Mist drives. Jaclyn Pierrot sits between Jason and Hans in the middle row while Garbage Fence, Ed, and Johnny sit in the very back with Ed in the middle and the other two as far from him as possible. The windows are down, partially due to the weather, partially due to Jaclyn steadily drinking gasoline as she listens to Jason intently talk about crustaceans while the rest of the car seems to be zoned out.

'Did you know crabs are omnivores?' he continues excitedly.

'That makes sense! Mr. Krabs ate all the other crabs after all.'

'Mr. Krabs?'

'From Spongebob. Ask yourself this: have you ever seen another crab in the show? Why do you think he keeps the ingredients and recipe so secretive from Plankton?'

'I'm...not sure...' responds, clearly confused on the direction of the conversation. She slurps hard on the straw to get the last drops of the beverage.

'Makes ya wonder right? The secret lives of crabs' she continues excitedly, 'Did you ever wonder about what Prince Erik’s experience was with the animals during kiss the girl?

'I'm-' Jason attempts to interject but the excited jester continues to herself.

'He wasn't half fish yes? So he couldn't hear all these animals actually singing so it was just a bunch of creatures circling him and this mute woman on a boat making all sorts of noise. Lord knows what a flounder sounds like when it sings, let alone a crab

'I like crabs.'

'Believe me buddy, you wouldn't say that if you had a Case,' she exclaims loudly to the car and Jason's face drops as she continues, 'Speaking of STDs...'


The Void.

Waffles: This is awful.

Ariel tosses a pair of finger guns in his direction.


One hour later...

The tension is palpable in the car as Jaclyn continues to talk loudly. Violet Mist's hand tightly clutches the steering wheel: She has not stopped since she finished her Big Gulp™️.

'... but Oh. My. God. You will never believe what Peter Nincompoop did to that apartment.  I means he's a horse but come on!'

Violet slams his hand hard down on the steering wheel, finally losing his patience with the rambling jester.

'Can you shut up already?!'

'Yeah!' agrees Macho and Jaclyn begins to pout.

'In Mother Russia, clowns are funny and tell jokes. In America, they just make Hans sad.'

'Awww, that's not fair. I bet I can put a smile on your face!' she says, leaning towards Hans, batting her lashes. He turns to look out the window opposite of Jason.

'1900 Pavilion Dr?' Violet asks, turning to Macho.


The car pulls in to the hotel parking lot and as soon as it stops, Jason opens his door and hops out.

'I'm going to the beach. Garbage?'

'EHEHEHEEEHEHE!' he exclaims running after Jason.

'Good luck catching crabs you two!' Jacky shouts excitedly and the two companions rapidly increase their pace as a family of five shoots a glare in the fleeing wrestlers direction.


Tidewater Comicon
Virginia Beach Convention Center
Virginia Beach, VA

The convention center is bustling with activity and color as cosplayers and characters intermingle. The buzz of activity halts for a brief moment as the door flings wide open and six men in dwarf costumes with another being carried by the largest walk in behind a woman wearing a complete Snow White outfit with pink ponytails and clown face paint.

'This is stupid,' she thinks to herself before turning to the group exclaiming loudly, 'Cosplay is stupid!'

She catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She could stomp on her own head. 'Why did she dress this way,' she scolds herself as a pair of giggling teenagers stop to take a picture of the group.

Jaclyn flicks them off.

'In Mother Russia, cosplay is much different,' Hans says, shifting Ed who is dressed as Sleepy in his arm. The foot of the dangling corpse bumps into Violent Mist who appears disgusted as he steps away from it.

'Do we have to carry this thing around?' asks Violet, indicating towards the corpse which Hans cradles in his massive arm.

'In Mother Russia, we bury these,' adds Hans as he nodding down towards where the body is held.

'Well, call me Mother Russia,' Jacky replies, winking at him. He turns nervously to Macho who gives him a wide thumbs up and 'Yeah!' before considering what she just said.

Violet Mist sighs.

'Let's go get checked in,' he says pulling the still confused Macho with him as the larger Hans follows, still holding Ed in his arm.

'In Mother Russia, the convention checks you in.'

'Welcome to America,' he says, sighing deeply once again.

Johnny Love stands right next to Jaclyn as she continues to scowl over her outfit choices, arms crossed. The pair silently staring into the crowd for a moment before Johnny turns slightly in her direction.

'Want some Acid?' he offers absently.


Johnny fishes around in his pocket for a moment before withdrawing something. He discreetly holds his hand out to her and slides what looks like a sweet tart into her hand.


Tidewater Comicon
Virginia Beach Convention Center
Virginia Beach, VA

Some Time Later

'Water...water... water' Jaclyn mumbles quiet to herself as she stares into the stream of water that comes out of the fountain

Welcome back Raggamuffins. In today's adventure, we find our hero at the Tidewater Comicon in Virginia Beach. She has taken six dose of high powered blotter acid and has been currently on her knees staring into a water fountain for some time.

Jaclyn removes her hand briefly for the mechanism that causes the fountain to work and looks around.

Who the fuck are you?



I'm the narrator.

Jaclyn goes back to staring closely at the water and mumbling once more. A line occasionally tried to form behind her, but one quick look from the wild joker tends to let them know that six dollars isn't really too much for a bottled water.

Water, water.

She stops again and looks up and her eyes lock with a pair glass eyes.

Glass eyes?

'Glasses!' she yells from the ground pushing herself up. Johnny Love beckons her to follow him as he shifts back into the crowd. Jaclyn blinks her eyes begins to make her way into the crowd to where he just disappeared.

Was he holding a slug?

Her eyes narrow as she tried to glimpse Johnny as he shifts through the crowd.

'No, it was a guitar,' she assures herself out loud as she walks curiously in the direction he went.

Why am I here?

Our hero begins to ponder the meaning of things once more before doing a double take around herself. She is confused once more.

I'm not confused: why am I being narrated?

'Are you on drugs?'

'What?' Jaclyn yells, whipping her head only to see Deja, who seems to have been appeared out of Limbo, standing less than a yard away from her. Jacky leans back hesitantly.

'You're not another pack of snakes in human clothing right?'

'Jesus Jacky, you're on drugs. You've been standing here muttering at the wall. You're a champion now, Jacky - get it together.'

Jaclyn reaches a hand forward to touch Deja on the face, confirming that the entity in front of her was indeed human. Her already cheek-wide Cheshire smile widens even further when she realizes there is a cameraman with her.

'Hey, didn't I shoot you?'

Deja and the cameraman lock eyes for a moment as she silently pleads with him not to run. It wasn't the same cameraman but once you shoot a camera almost point blank while someone is operating it, you tend to develop a reputation for being the sort that needs the long range lenses. The Virginia Beach Convention Center didn't exactly have the best security either so there no doubt Jaclyn had been able to get her steel companion into the convention.

'Jacky. You just assaulted Catalina Cortez for the second time. They put her in an ambulance.'

'Boo hoo! More like waaah-mbulance am I right?'

Jacky laughs much harder than necessary, her eyes never closing but only getting narrow enough for that to be considered the next step that never comes as her golden gaze remains locked on the man behind the camera.

'Jaclyn, Jesus.....People want to know why?'

'Why not,' Jacky exclaims, her plastered smile adding an extra layer of menace to it as she continues to stare past Deja at the cameraman. There was no mistaking the intent at this point: she was definitely making plans to shoot at him. Ever the professional, Deja does her best to try and distract her by standing between them.

'You're facing Lord Raab in just 2 days. Are you ready for your first title defense?

Wait…’ she inquires, her focus seems to be averted and her glistening eyes open wide and her lifeless smile is replaced by genuine excitement, ‘Lord?

'Yes, Lord Raab, the Masked Monster himself.'

'Oh, you mean ze German?' she stops confused, as she works through something, 'Germain. Germ in? Vermin. King Lab Rat?'

'Lord Raab.'

'Prince Erik...' she thinks out loud.

'Don't you take anything seriously? He's a six-and-a-half foot tall human monster.'

'He's a Lord and he's almost seven feet tall? Va-va-voom am I right?'

'I don't think this is going to go in that direction.'

'Honey, you and I both know he could still be down to clown. Some of that hashtag hard justice if you know what I mean.'

'That's Avenger.'

'Where?' Jaclyn goes into a panic, her heavily dilated eyes darting around her surroundings as her hand goes to the magnum she has tucked away. Deja bravely reaches forward to stop the clown and almost regrets it as the wild golden gaze lands on her. She stares solemnly at Deja, who cannot help but notice she smells like cotton candy and old gasoline, swallows deeply before she dares to continue on.

'Raab doesn't seem like the type. You may want to be careful, he's been after that belt for some time and a man like that stops at nothing until he gets his way.'

Still inches apart, the clown seems to look deep within Deja. Jaclyn leans forward, her mouth next to Deja’s ear as she whispers soberly.

'Ultimately, he will either wear the crown he is meant to wear or meet the fate he has been destined to repeat. Reality and it's choices are an illusion, you see. We're all the hero's of our own story and a villain in others, aren't we? The trick, Deja, is to see yourself on the other side of the coin: within the shadow of leaves.

She pulls her head back, her golden eyes stare deeply into Deja’s again and for a moment they are not at all dilated and seem almost sad. She gently honks Deja on the nose, and then waves a hand up past her face and the wild eyed Cheshire grin and heavy dilation have returned as she she pulls back and turns away from the still stunned Deja.

Is it all an act?

'Do you any last words for your opponent?' she stammers after the joker.

'Words, words, words.' Jaclyn offers over her shoulder before she freezes and appears to be smelling the air. Deja pauses, waiting for her to continue but her attention is lost and she mumbles to herself excitedly, 'Shatner' before suddenly turning and pulling her way into the crowd. Deja turns back to the camera and mouths 'Shatner?' before signaling to cut and making their rounds to try to get more interviews.

Shatner: the white whale of conventions. Some said he smelled of sandalwood...

Shut up.

Jaclyn pushes from the outskirts of the room and into the crowd and her reality shifts and she looks around herself. Throbbing pulsing humans and cartoon characters spin around excitedly in a wave of colors, as her jaw began clenching more than usual as the lysergic acid washes over her like a tidal wave. 'Abandon all hope,' she thinks, closing her eyes, before reopening them to the new world before her.

I. Lust:


A group in cosplay wearing not a thing,
'Yaaas,' she cheers them on; 'Yas' is echoed back
Real Queens straighten each other's crowns it seems.


'Love that top,' she squeals, 'it shows off your back!'
'Love your tattoos girl, they make you seem berserk.'
'Love your swagger girl, don't show them boys no slack!'


'TikTok time' is yelled and Jacky joins to twerk
They exchange handles and hugs and kisses
Then Jacky turns to the crowd: back to work


With all her wits, she figures where this is.
Her tummy grumbles and sidetracks the hunt
To pursue all of the food she misses.

II. Gluttony


Corn dogs and pizza seem pushed to the front,
Candy and soda do too flow with ease
And parents scold kids with growth that will stunt.

She grabs a slice and a dog as a tease,
She declines the drink and licks upon her lips
For she knew of the juice that she would wheeze.


Normally? Not allowed, but Jacky knew some tricks
Whether you bat an eye, or point a gun
The ending is the same: guzzling from the drip.


'Buuu-ddy' she yells with pistol aimed at one.
He works the tap; she drinks of Dragon's Milk™️
Deeply until Love grabs from her her gun.

III. Greed


'Party Pooper' she cries, chasing the ilk.
He tries to move further in to the circle
but she is quick and steals it smooth as silk.


Her haste, interrupting a commercial,
Receives a loud 'Cut' and some angry yells
So, of course, she does her best Steve Urkel.


'Did I do that?' angers the personnel.
'Yeah!' yells Macho somewhere in the crowd,
'Look over there!' she bids them all farewell


Plunging through the crowd, onward she would plow.
Anger in her wake, she knew time was slim
Captain Kirk: the final frontier was now.

IV. Wrath


From behind, someone catches her by her limb
Her pistol aims backward, cocked and she
Then presses the gun blindly into his Chin.


The security guard seems to agree.
His hands raise up and he scans the crowd,
But a pistol whip brings him to his knee


One strong kick then did help him find the ground,
Jacky blindly tackles, catching by surprise
An ambushing pal in a ground and pound.


Finishing him, the clown is on the rise.
'Red shirts everywhere,' she growls, moving away,
Stalking through the crowd, bloodlust in her eyes.

V. Heresy


Some would wonder why Jacky was this way:
Just announced, Bill Shatner directs 'Star Wars'.
Heresy at best; horrific some would say.


This it could not stand: balance need restore.
Jacky was not a fan, but what she did love,
Was being violent and settling scores


Colors pulsed and rays shimmered from above,
She stopped and tried to take it in
But the violence fit her like a glove.


Shifting through the crowd like wading through the sin,
Deep Jacky plunged, looking for the booth
Finger on the trigger, anxious to begin.

VI. Violence


Finally spotting the crowd of Trekkie troops,
TJ Hooker somewhere within their midst
Clenching her jaw, time to bust these goofs.


'Trouble with tribbles' she says with a fist,
ramming like a wrecking ball, hitting faces,
One and all, even bloodying some lips.


'Where's the fat man?' her knuckle catches braces,
The crowd tries to flee but the clown is quick,
And those who do get to run, she chases.


One almost gets away, 'Oh you think your slick?'
She raises her gun and again takes aim,
hearing a very Unsatisfying click.

VII. Fraud


A flag rolls out, saying just one word: 'Bang',
Johnny swapped her gun, clever as it was
Even without it she could bring the pain.


She flings the flag gun after just because
she can. The metal mimic missile soars,
pinging off a head, fixing the faux pas.


'Where are you Johnny Love?' she then implores,
And goes to find her pal who swapped her piece
So she can settle up some Star Wars scores


At last she finds the group, flocking like geese,
'Goddamnit Johnny Love, where is it at?'
He looks to the group urging him not to release.

VIII. Treachery


'Lets go Jacky, things all around are tense.'
'Nonsense! He's having fun,' she points over
At the trash, 'EHEEHEEEHEHE' says Garbage Fence


Give her the gun, she can get some closure.
'You heard Ed!' she squeals, all eyes turning to
Look at Hans, the current corpse holder.


'In mother Russia,' Hans begins once anew,
'Motherfucker' she interrupts, her hand
held out to Love, 'Give me what is due!'


Reluctantly, though he would be damned,
he does agree with her plans for the actor
So he pulls the gun out from where its crammed..

Finally, ready to put an ending to the chapter
Almost as if kismet: there stands William Shatner.


The group spots hims and Jacky's eyes narrow in on Johnny's glasses. He stands with his back to the group a few booths away. Jason reaches his hand towards Jaclyn, however she turns around suddenly, her gun almost magically back in her hand as she leaps onto a table that separates the two. The gun is drawn and pointed at the back of the unsuspecting actor's head.

'Greedo shoots first!'

The older actor looks up and turns in time to see the barrel of the gun briefly inches away from his face before Jaclyn is grabbed from behind by the giant Russian. Macho and Violet are able to take possession of the gun and the much larger man is able to drag the flailing clown with him as Johnny and Jason try to secure her kicking legs.

The group of giant Dwarves rushes towards the exit door, the startled comic convention rumbling in confusion behind them as they shove their way through the exit door with the wild Snow White clown violently fighting to get back in.

'I'll get you William Shatner!!' she screams, clutching onto the door frame before they are able to pry her hands loose and slam the door behind them.


Who shot Jaclyn Pierrot? Was Johnny actually holding a slug? Will William Shatner's Star Wars reboot be any good? Tune in next week for answers to these questions and more.

Wait what?

Stay tuned next week!

Go back to that first part!

To be continued...

I fucking hate narrators!


To Be Continued...

*Masked Debators used with permission of creator


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